Not In Cuba Anymore

There's a conspiracy going on and I'm the victim of this global devilish plan. Here's the thing, whenever I get out of my car and I proceed to close the door, I get shocked. I'm not talking about a minor discharge of static energy, but a strong and annoying one. It has happened so often that I'm literally afraid to touch the door handle when I leave the car. What I do now is to carefully get out of the car and close the door by pushing on the window. Glass is fine, thank you very much. What this means for you is that if I'm riding in your car, there will be smudges on the window after we finish hanging out.

This used to happen in Miami, but it has gotten really bad here in Topeka. If only it was my car, then I wouldn't complain as much. But whenever I leave the car and let's say want to go inside the bank or Wendy's, well, those door handles also shock me. What I do sometimes is to pull on my coat's sleeves when I open a door and that absorbs some of the shock, but it still gets me. Lately, Elena has been kind enough to almost open every door for me. This of course makes me look like a jerk to the rest of the world when they see that I don't open the door for my pregant wife. Oh, but they just don't know the pain, the fear.

Like I mentioned, it was bad in Miami, but it's definitely more severe over here. Things that have happened to me:

• When I turned off a light switch in the basement, there was a loud sound like lightning had struck me.


• When getting off the couch to grab my computer, I was zapped by my crappy Acer PC.


• At the bank's drive thru, my ear slightly touched the door frame and I saw a number of colors and stars.


• Once, and this happened in Miami, my cousin Yinet barely touched me and a bright and visible spark almost ignited her hand.


• I had a pair of pants that if when wearing them I touched the side of my car, I got shocked badly. My brother inherited those now.

As you can see, there's a conspiracy going on. Wherever I go, I can almost hear a gentle song in the air that says, "We Will, We Will Shock You!" And I don't like it a bit.