Not In Cuba Anymore

I love Google. I do (please don't ruin my search engine ranking). In fact, whenever anyone has a question about anything, I just say in a solemn way, as if I was knighting someone, "Google it." Would you like to know how many ants are there in the world? Or would you like to know how much is two plus two? Well, sir, or madam, I would tell you to Google it.

Google has this cool new feature where you can actually speak into your computer's mic and Google will search for you. No need to type. Unfortunately, this is where the failure came in. For fun (not for vanity) I said, "Israel Sanchez," but instead of my name coming out in the search bar, this is what I got:

-los angeles
-is well thank you
-ventures
-walmart

Now that is a fail. Oh, Google, if only you could understand me.

I work at the Capitol in Topeka (not the Hunger Games evil place), so every day I walk the hallways where attorneys, legislators, senators and others members of our local government roam. My momma didn't raise no fool, so every time I pass by someone down a hall and make eye contact, I nod. This is polite and also nice. I think sometimes my nods end up looking like Jim Halpert's from The Office. So imagine me doing that nod and half a smile every single day, perhaps dozens of times.

Well, a couple of weeks after working there, Elena, my self and another couple went out to a restaurant to have dinner. As soon as I walked in the door, an older gentleman looked at me, so what did I do? I did the Jim Halpert. My brain was so hardwired to do this nod that I just did it to a random person who was just curious to see who had entered. The guy didn't nod back, but just gave me a puzzled look and then looked somewhere else.

Has something similar happened to you?

On Friday morning, my boss alerts everyone of us proofers.

A Kwik Shop in Topeka is a dangerous place to be. I had no idea of this until recently. One evening, Elena and I decided to get some night treats, so we stopped at a Kwik shop on our way home. It was a scary place. It seemed that the entire "hood" was having a celebration at their local corner shop. I'm not scared easily, but when there are 15 or more crazy-looking people all around you, one must be vigilant.

So one fine night I decide to call AT&T U-verse and solicit their Internet services. It was the worse mistake of my life. First off, I could barely understand the operators. Please, stop outsourcing call centers to other countries. The unemployment rate is very high in this country and Americans need those jobs. Second, I could hardly understand what they were saying, which was very frustrating.

Apparently, the previous tenant has not disconnected her account with U-verse on my new house, or she probably stopped paying. When I explained to the operator that such person did not live here anymore, well, she told me to get permission from the landlord to cancel her service. I explained that it was the landlord who actually told me to call Uverse, but she wouldn't have any of it. She just wanted me to call them back saying that I had spoken to him, although I told her again that I had.

Anyway, I hang up, call back ,and of course, I get another person. This guy's accent was better, but after holding for 10 minutes, he said he couldn't help and put me on with "a specialist." She was special alright. Her accent was pretty terrible, and when I asked to repeat herself (which I did many times) she seemed to get frustrated.

Me: So, what you are saying is that in order for me to get service, I have to...
Operator: (cutting me off)I'm going to put you on hold sir.
Me: ...get the last tenant...what...no, wait...

Hold music plays

(5 minutes later)

Operator: Hi customer, sir. I'm going to reprocess your order.
Me: Okay, what does that mean?

Hold music plays

(5 minutes later)

Operator: Sir?
Me: Yeah?
Operator: We can't do anything about it. You have to call back tomorrow, talk to another department.

After all this, she gives me a different 1-800 number. Then she proceeds to give me the name and phone number of the previous tenant. I didn't ask for this information and it doesn't even seem legal that she would disclose this. What did she want me to do? Call the previous tenant and ask her why is she making my life miserable by not disconnecting her service? Anyhow, she tried spelling the previous tenant last name for me, and that was very frustrating.

Operator: (cannot make out letter) as in "prein"
Me: As in what?
Operator: (cannot make out letter) as in "prein"
Me: Do you mean, "p" as in "police?"
Operator: Yes, yes, police.

So, after 45 minutes and talking to three different people all they managed was to irritate me. Nothing was resolved. Elena looked at me and saw both my ears red. At this point, I was so bothered that I was laughing. I needed to laugh.

Elena: This is not good for your Latino blood pressure.
Me: Tell me about it!

Please, whatever you do, do not help this company. We are calling a different Internet Service Provider soon. Any suggestions?

My mom doesn't speak English. She can understand certain words and even speak some of them, but she is nowhere near fluent.

Recently, Elena and I moved to a lovely new house. Since we wanted to share our happiness with others, we put some pictures up on Facebook. One of the comments came from Rosalie, my mother-in-law. She said that the house looked "charming," which it truly is. It's a charming little house that exudes character. Anyway, what my mom does, and I think this is real 'charming' of her, she uses Google translate to make sense of some of the comments in English.

In this particular occasion, she translated the word "charming" and she was immediately alarmed. She sent me a message and asked me why my mother-in-law thought that our new house was bewitched.

I had some explaining to do. Thanks Google!