Showing posts with label funniest blog ever. Show all posts

A word on Libraries

Libraries are one of my favorite places on earth. I worked for the Miami-Dade Public Library System for nearly five years. Being around so many books and movies and other resources, was just wonderful, especially since I love to write. Writing a book on the ancient Maya? You can find resources at the library. Want to find that documentary your professor required, you are likely to find it at the library.

The Topeka and Shawnee Library does not disappoint. I'm usually there at least twice a week. Erin at the Reference Desk can vouch for that.

It's funny though, as much as I enjoy reading and writing, I never went to a library until I started to work there. When I was a little boy, in Cuba, my mother would take me to a bookstore a couple of blocks away from our house. There is where I fell in love with adventure stories, like Jules Verne's From the Earth to the Moon, or his lesser known The Mysterious Island. But, alas, I never set foot in a library, except for the one at my high school, but that was just to print a homework assignment.

I don't know why it took me so long to go to a library, but once I did, I have enjoyed every moment, even its colorful cast of characters, which seem to show up no matter where a library is located. If you have children, don't wait too long to introduce them to the magic of books and libraries. I know Elena and I won't.

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Fall crazy

School just started, which means that I am a full-time student, full-time employee, full-time husband and full-time father. Condolence cards will be accepted. No, but really, it will be a very busy fall.

Fortunately, I know that my lovely wife is willing and able to help me in anything I need. I will certainly strive to get good grades (hopefully all As), and you can be sure that I will document my achievements and frustrations.

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Sitcoms and our lives

Elena and I watch a lot of sitcoms. Whenever we find a good one, we just go through all the seasons quickly and love every minute of it. Some of them, we've seen many times, so naturally we can quote certain parts by heart.

But the best part of all this is when we apply those quotes to certain things happening in our daily lives. Since we know what we are referring to, we always get the joke and everything works out well. However, sometimes I find myself using those quotes around people who have no idea what I'm talking about.

What do I mean? Watch this clip from The Office below. Jim is sarcastically describing his first date expectations with Pam:


So, naturally, whenever something happens that doesn't quite meet our expectations, Elena and I often say, "some manure, just less." Now, imagine saying that to a co-worker who has no idea what you're talking about (been there, done that).
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Then, there's this clip where Ted Mosby (from How I Met Your Mother) breaks up with Natalie by saying, "Listen, you're awesome..." The way he says it, it's just classic. So that's another thing Elena and I say around each other often.



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This next one is one that we only use at home, meaning that I have never used it outside of our home, and you'll probably see why. Phoebe (from FRIENDS) sounds pretty cool with her deep voice and says this:



But for some reason, Elena and I always thought she said, "Goodbye my babies," which is what we say sometimes joking around when one of us leaves the home to run an errand. It works even better now that Ellie is here!

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These are just some of the quotes we say, so in case you hear me refer to anything on this list, then at least you'll be in on the joke, too.

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Open Letter to Netflix

Dear Netflix,

Since Netflix is a service that is used through computers and Blu Ray players, I assume that your customer demographic is mostly cool, young hipsters. If that's the case, then why is your movie selection 95% old-garbage?

I love old movies, but good ones, classic ones, not what you have on there. I pay a monthly fee in hopes of watching decent movies, but after hours of browsing thousands of titles, there's maybe only 5 movies that were released in the last year. I could probably film myself browsing for movies and that would probably be more entertaining than half of your selection. I'm sure that many some people would actually prefer to watch that.

What about our TV shows, you may say? Sure, I give you that. Your selection of TV shows is pretty good, however, many times you have one season of a show that had about seve or eight released. Why would you even do that? Why get someone hooked on a show and then only offer one or two seasons? That's just cruel and unusual. And if you do add a season, it takes you two or three years.

Be aware that you have competition. There's Hulu Plus! Unfortunately for me, my Blu Ray player is not compatible, so I can't watch it on the big screen. However, the minute I buy a new player, or Hulu expands its collection of acceptable devices, you will most certainly lose a customer. Unless you improve your selection, in which case, you may or may not lose a customer.

Sincerely,

A. Customer

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I Will Find You...Strange Creature

There's some strange creature living inside our walls. I don't know what it is exactly, but at times, you can hear some sort of rustle sound. The problem is that I can't figure out what it is, or how to get it out of there, or how to kill it. This is happening in our bedroom, and it's been happening since very early on.

It doesn't happen every day, but that strange creature loves to move around in the middle of the night. It's very annoying and at times it takes me a while to go to sleep because of it. I'm afraid it's going to open a hole in the wall and surprise me in the middle of the night, or that it'll hit the wall so hard that one of the hanging ornaments is going to fall on my head.

This sounds like some crazy Edgar Allan Poe story, but it's the truth. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. In the meantime, I have enlisted the help of Liam Neeson.

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Heard at the Sanchez Home #2

Once again, Elena and I are at the dinner table while little Ellie sits on her car seat. (She would usually sit in her regular play chair, but she...had an accident on it.) While we are talking, Ellie starts blowing raspberries and makes a really loud noise.


Elena: That was a loud noise little girl! Well, you are half Cuban after all.
Me: That is very true.

Yes, Cubans are loud by nature. If someone from a different culture were to walk in at a Cuban home during dinner, or a party, or just a family hanging out in the living room, that person would think that there was an argument going on. But no, that's just the way we talk, loud and using our hands a lot.

When Ellie goes down to sleep, I have to keep my Cuban meter at a low level. It's a challenge, my friends.


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Funky Friday #3

A classic viral video. (Did I just say that?) Happy friday everyone!


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Funky Friday #2

This video is so cheesy and bad, that it ends up being good. It's Friday!!

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On Becoming Ninjas

My wife Elena has written frequently in her blog about how hard it is to get Ellie to sleep. Besides the fact that she refuses to go to sleep earlier than midnight, there are other roadblocks in the way to her sleep, i.e., our sanity.


The main one being our floor. Oh, when we first saw the house we fell in love with the wooden floor. It seemed stylish and hip with an hint of antique. The main section, from the living room to the bedroom, is completely wood and we loved it. But that was before we knew better, that was before Ellie. Apparently, there's no padding (or some other technical term) and the floor creaks loudly with every step. This is a problem, especially when we get Ellie to sleep and we have to cross that great divide between the living room and bedroom. Many times, after a long struggle to get her to sleep, in our way to the bedroom, we take a step and she wakes up. The creaking is really loud and annoying. Therefore, we have been forced to become ninjas. Every step we take is calculated and mapped out.

Since Elena spends all her day with Ellie, she naturally found a route where the floor creaks less. This path is still loud, but it definitely is better. For your entertainment, and just in case you ever visit our house, I have created a map of sorts:


That is the preferred path, the one of a ninja, if you will. It took many nights of trial and error, and even today, too much weight placed on a step can mean chaos. But try we must. And since we are in the topic of ninjas, you should buy this shirt to help a family in need (mine that is).

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Annoying Facebook status updates


As a writer, I can appreciate the crafting of a clever Facebook status update, or just a sweet note to a loved one. On the other hand, I can also easily spot things that annoy me. So, this is my list of the most annoying Facebook status updates:



-The Facebook Texter: When you are texting, or using Twitter, you may get away with shortening words, but there's no reason to do that in Facebook. How lazy do you have to be? Why write something like this:

"Got 2 go 2night and set the rec0rd str8, cuz thing are b@d"

That's just crazy talk. Use real words.

-The Emoticon Slave: This person also suffers from what is known as "too many symbols" disease. When you check the news feed, you instantly recognize them by all the symbols and emoticons used, whether they make sense or not. For instance:

"Had a great time :) @:/ <--- :) <3"

Seriously? You went through all those emotions in a few seconds? Either you are seriously manic or perhaps you can pack more human emotions in a sentence than an entire Shakespearean tragedy. If the latter is the case, then I tip my hat to you.

-The Egocentric: Usually, capitals letters are used to denote some important change in the text, such as telling someone to STOP. However, there are some people who apparently think everything they write is important, so all their status updates look like this:

"I'M GOING OUT NOW TO SEE A MOVIE AND I THINK I WILL LIKE IT. MY MOM RECOMMENDED IT TO ME AND SHE'S AN EXPERT."

Please, STOP IT.

-The Super Happy: This person uses exclamation points for everything they write. Apparently, everything is urgent, no matter how mundane it is.

"I took a shower!!!!!! And it was nice!!!!!!! !!!!! Yeah!!"
Hopefully this was not your first shower in 35 years.

-The Chain Messenger: Remember how much you used to hate those chain emails back in the day? The ones that said something like, "If you love babies, forward this email to 10 friends and you'll have a baby by next week." Now, obviously, everyone loves babies, but forwarding an email is not going to prove that.

Nowadays, in Facebook, people say things such as, "Hit 'Like' if you love your friends!" Well, listen, obviously I love my friends because I haven't deleted you after the hundredth dumb Facebook chain letter you have posted. But please, quit it.



Did I miss any? And if you happen to be on this list, I still love you my friend, despite how much I dislike your status updates.

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The Cuban Way

When my mom was here, she went with Elena, Ellie and me to a friend's house. It was an early fourth of July celebration where many people were gathered. We parked the car, gathered all our belongings (which have quadrupled since the birth of Ellie) and we started walking toward the house. Before we reached the entrance, one of the many guests approached us to meet Ellie and my mom.


My mom went to greet her the way all Cubans are used to, with a kiss on the right cheek. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe it. "Mom," I said, "no one does that here. Just shake their hands."

"How strange," she mused. I used to think that way too, when I had just gotten here, but now I'm used to the way things are done. But I do still miss the Cuban way.

For the record, men don't kiss men on the cheek (unless you are father and son, or siblings), but women greet each other this way, and men greet women this way. It doesn't matter if you have known each other your whole life, or just met, this is the way we say hello and goodbye. It is polite and totally acceptable. And not just Cubans do this, but nearly, if not all, Hispanics. For instance, some months ago Elena and I were in Walmart and ran into a friend of hers and her husband. They are from Peru, and guess how she greeted us? With a kiss on the cheek. Guess how her husband greeted Elena? With a kiss on the cheek. It all felt like it was the most natural thing in the world.

What do you say everyone? Want to start this trend in Topeka?

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The British Invasion, or my 'first' 4th of July

July 6-

This was my first fourth of July living in America. Well, not really, but as you know by now Miami is sort of an extension of Cuba. We like fireworks over there, but not to the extent and obsession of my Kansas neighbors.

Over here, it seems that people have been using fireworks since Valentine's Day. A couple of nights ago I woke up terrified to the sound of what sounded like a cannon. "The British are coming!" was my first thought. But I quickly realized that my neighbors decided to defy the authorities and set off fireworks well past midnight.

My mom was also here for the 4th, so she also had a glimpse of the fireworks obsession. Almost every time she heard a loud explosion she asked, "What is that?" or "Are those shots?"

While I can't say for sure that no one pointed their guns to the air and let a couple of bullets test gravity, I assured her that it was only fireworks. But I wasn't going to let my neighbors have all the fun. Earlier in the day, Elena and I bought some fireworks off some tent with a giant balloon-gorilla on it. I know, the previous sentence sounds like the premise for a bad horror movie, but it's the truth. However, after I got going, the fireworks became addicting and soon my supply was dwindling. My sister in law, Rebekah, drove me to another tent in Gage, called Big Daddy, where I bought some more fireworks. I then realized that I became as obsessed with setting things on fire as my law-defiant neighbors.

My wonderful and creative wife came up with this:




Well, I chose the word "love," but this was her experiment with the camera/shutter speed, etc. It turned out great, didn't it?

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Communicating at the Sanchez home

Last night, I held Ellie in my arms as I watched Elena and mom communicate. Usually, I'm the one translating back and forth. After a while though, I get it all mixed up and speak to my mom in English and Elena in Spanish. But last night was different.

I asked my mom to speak only in English and Elena only in Spanish. It was really great! Of course, I had to step in here and there, but for the most part, both of them did a great job. It was a very fun night and a great way for them to talk more, and learn too.

As far as Ellie goes, she still speaks in her baby language, which is not always easy to figure it out. I'm getting better though.

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Can you feel the Heat?

Being from Cuba, people assume automatically that baseball is my favorite sport. Although I can play a mean second base, my favorite sport is actually basketball. I fell in love with basketball months after arriving to the United States and my favorite team since then has been the Miami Heat.


I remember Tim Hardaway and Alonzo Mourning, and Dan Majerle and P.J. Brown, all making basketball history with their plays. Of course, back then, Michael Jordan and the Bulls ruled the Eastern Conference and it was almost a guarantee that they would win. And yet, unlike many bandwagon fans, I always remained loyal to the Heat, even as they faced against one of the best players of all time.

When the Heat won the 2006 NBA Finals, I was overjoyed. They had a wonderful team and deserved to win. Dwyane Wade was terrific then. Likewise, I was heartbroken last year when they lost against the Dallas Mavericks (who they beat in 2006).

Now this year, they are in the finals again. How many teams can say that? This team is more complete than the one in 2006, and they definitely play better together. Wade is not as young as he was, but he can still make plays. And Lebron James? Well, he's already considered to be one of the greatest players of all time and he still has a long way to go. All he is missing is that trophy and he wants it more than anyone else in the league.

I'm rooting for the Heat to win it all this year and I believe they can do it!



UPDATE: They did it! The Miami Heat are the 2012 Champions!!!!

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What they don't tell you in birthing class

"If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion." - Michael Scott (from The Office)


Our house has become Babies R Us. Seriously, what they don't tell you in birthing class is that once the baby is born, or even a few months before, your house becomes baby central. In our living room, there's the swing, baby blankets, a boppy, diapers, wipes and a pacifier hiding somewhere. If you walk to the dining room, you'll find the car seat, along with the diaper bag barely crossing the border between living room and dining room. In our room, there's the pack and play, which she absolutely despises, and a new bed called "Rock and Play," which she actually loves to sleep in. Then of course, there's her nursery, which is baby universe. And lastly, there's the baby tub still sitting in our bath tub earlier after giving Ellie a bath.


She has taken over, and although our lives feel as messy as our house right now, Ellie is fantastic. She is the greatest baby ever and she should be president, if she wants to. First law? A national poop holiday. Hmm...maybe it's even time now...

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A brief update

Well, as you probably know by now, Ellie Marie Sánchez was born on May 1st. She is gorgeous, which means she fortunately looks a lot like her mother. We are both very happy, but equally tired. We haven't slept a good amount of hours since she was born. I know that it gets easier, because everyone tells us that, but we are still waiting.

Meanwhile, we do enjoy her. She is lovely. I'm very thankful to God for my two beautiful girls, Elena and Ellie, whom I love very, very much!

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The Jim Halpert

I work at the Capitol in Topeka (not the Hunger Games evil place), so every day I walk the hallways where attorneys, legislators, senators and others members of our local government roam. My momma didn't raise no fool, so every time I pass by someone down a hall and make eye contact, I nod. This is polite and also nice. I think sometimes my nods end up looking like Jim Halpert's from The Office. So imagine me doing that nod and half a smile every single day, perhaps dozens of times.

Well, a couple of weeks after working there, Elena, my self and another couple went out to a restaurant to have dinner. As soon as I walked in the door, an older gentleman looked at me, so what did I do? I did the Jim Halpert. My brain was so hardwired to do this nod that I just did it to a random person who was just curious to see who had entered. The guy didn't nod back, but just gave me a puzzled look and then looked somewhere else.

Has something similar happened to you?

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